It’s not enough. I need more. Nothing seems to satisfy. I don’t want it. I just need it. To breathe, to feel, to know I’m alive.

There are days when I think about my parents being gone, and anxiety rushes my body. My heart races and my mind runs through all the painful memories that bring those experiences back to life.  It’s like a movie in my head that plays without my permission.  I replay those moments and then I start to replay my whole life.  What I remember as a toddler to a young kid to my young teen years and into high school.  College… young adulthood.  The last five years.  And my heart races faster.  It all seems like it has gone so fast, so far out of my control.  It all feels like my life has turned into something I never imagined; never wanted. No one ever told me that when you grow up you’ll be grieving and mourning the ideal life you thought you would lead and trying to continually develop gratitude for how things really turned out.

Stop. Breathe. Be grateful for what you do have.  Be grateful for what you don’t have. Every difficult person and situation is a learning experience.  A healing engagement. Life is one big healing and learning adventure.  Trust the Universe.  Listen to the Universe. Know you are exactly where you should be.  Where you need to be. Surrender. Love. Surrender.  Love some more.  Surrender some more.

On days like this when my heart feels broken and fragile, it’s not hard to think of what I’m grateful for.  It’s just hard not feeling anxiety about what has happened.  And what might happen in the future.  The pain and hurt and loss that has happened already was so unbearable.  At one point, I was young and naive and thought, “Well, I’ve been through some tough stuff.  That’ll be all the tough stuff that will ever happen in my life.” Of course, with age, I realized this was unrealistic.

Part of the whole journey, I suppose, is to rewrite that story.  Maybe it replays once in a while but it doesn’t overtake you and come into your present moment.  Not to say that you can’t be sad, and grieve, and cry… if anything, you should do those things.  Embrace, accept, and bring any and all emotions into your heart for true transformation.  It really is an ebb and flow of positive and negative emotions… of pain and hurt and joy and comfort.  The more I can accept this roller coaster, the easier the ride will be.

 

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