And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. – Anais Nin

For the first time in a while, I feel powerful.  I have been feeling powerless and helpless to everyone and everything.  Powerless to my emotions that were taking over and to the negative thoughts that seeped in like a disease.

I took responsibility for my part in the negativity and dysfunction that has been ever-present over the last few months, and within that responsibility comes personal power and freedom.  

It’s interesting, though, because when I am in the midst of feeling out of control of my life, taking responsibility does not seem like the solution.  The solution seems like I need to change everything and everyone to be okay, but how impossible is that?!

Last night I read a quick eBook I purchased about dealing with difficult emotions.  Recently it seems like negativity, anger, and resentment have taken over.  How do I move through these emotions and experience them without letting them completely ruin my life?  And blame everyone else in the process? Once again a common theme came up: “take responsibility.”  And I instantly wanted to stop reading.  I didn’t want to hear it.

Fact is, I had to admit to myself I had found a nice warm, safe, familiar place to indulge in my angry, resentful, negative shadow for the last few months.  When that happens, it’s not like I’m enjoying myself.  It feels like life is death, and I’m just sliding back from all the progress I’ve made.  It’s like I’m viewing my life from above and seeing it all slip away. But that right there is also the deep bottom of victimhood.  And once you realize that is where you’re at, you feel even worse about yourself.  Self-judgement upon more self-judgement.

And when I’m in that dark place the last thing I want to hear for advice is “stop acting like a victim and take responsibility.” Then were do my feelings get validated and my needs get met? But clarity came to me this morning, and my personal power has returned.  I feel like I can learn from the last few months of being in that old negative place and grow from it. Each time this cycle happens, I become more and more clear about my patterns.

I used to see these descents as failures in my own life and in my relationship but somehow this morning I woke up with renewed faith, hope, clarity, understanding and patience that I am on the right path still.

It’s amazing because there is no way I could have written this just even last night.  I will have to reflect on what helped me accept and view things with this perspective to get me to a more positive place after months of fighting.  Was it simply surrender?  Was it simply me stopping the fight?

I often have said “the day I saved myself was the day I surrendered.”  Growing and expanding upward from the dirt and mud and dark after an internal war that has spread to my relationships.  The fighting, angry, righteous, entitled person is only an attempted protection for the kind, loving person that just wants to be understood and loved.  But when that kind, loving true self gets lost in the internal war and outward fight, I need to re-surrender my soul.

I learn this stuff, I live it, and it works.  And somewhere along the lines I lose it, fight against it, mistrust it, and end up in the same old negative space.  I’m still not quite sure what brings me back but each time it gets a little easier.

 

 

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