Fears and Doubts and Things

Well, for a long time I wanted to be a writer.  But this was when I was a child.  It’s amazing how our dreams and hopes and aspirations change over time.  I’m not sure I didn’t want to be a writer anymore ~ it’s almost like I forgot about it.  Kind of like I fell asleep and didn’t dream about it, so it left my consciousness.  Other things took over my brain power and energy, and becoming a writer and publishing a book just wasn’t there anymore.

Last May it was suggested by my supervisor to check out the Hay House World Summit. It’s basically a month-long online event where you have the opportunity to listen to webinars from all the major Hay House authors.  Hay House is the leading publishing company for new age, self-help books on all things from angels, to numerology, to spirituality, to eating healthy.  I fell in love with what they had to offer.

When I was young I read constantly.  I started to write my own little stories on our old Compaq computer.  And as I’ve said before in this blog… things changed, I got older and had different interests, and my mind kind of fell asleep to the idea of being a writer.

And then it started coming into my consciousness again, especially after being so connected to the Hay House company.  I guess I woke up.  I feel this waking up process is just a return to my pure, true self and aspirations.  A reconnect to my purpose here in this life after so many years of distractions.  It came back into my mind, and I was like “Oh YEAH! That’s right! I wanted to be a writer.” After two years of running groups for people with severe mental illness, I realized that I had a lot of material.  I also realized I had a lot of my own personal experience that could help others.  I have ideas for a book but wow, where to start?

Here is where the fears and doubts and things come in.  First of all, I define myself as having pretty bad self-discipline. Maybe I shouldn’t define myself this way because it is a limiting belief? But seriously.  I used to have much better self-control with certain things but as I was in the healing process to save my life, I started to do what I wanted to do in that moment.  Whatever it is.  Which was super helpful then but now that I’m in a more stable place, it’s not always the best action to take.  My lack of self-discipline kind of gets in the way of writing a book – shocker! Haha!

I’m doubting my abilities to follow through.  I’m doubting my ideas and ability to create a platform.  I’m doubting that this could ever be possible.  And I’ve been feeling that way a lot lately ~ doubting myself, shrinking back, and being afraid to put myself out there.  It’s like I’m afraid of people seeing me so I want to be invisible.  Not rock the boat, not make any big changes, not pursue anything new or different or creative.  But this directly clashes with my inner light and soul.  It’s like my fears and doubts are muting and diminishing my confidence, light, and soul’s desires.  This has obviously happened in the past but now I guess I am more aware of it and in different ways.

Who am I to write a book about anything?  What in the heck am I getting myself into? Where and how do I even start? I have resources but it all feels overwhelming.  Overwhelming instead of a challenge.

I think I need to re-read Elizabeth Gilbert’s book Big Magic lol ~ when I was reading that, I felt like I could do anything.

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