“All your life, you will be faced with a choice. You can choose love or hate…I choose love.” – Johnny Cash

This concept of love and hate mirrors closely the ideas put forth in A Course in Miracles- that there is only love and fear (fear being any difficult emotion such as hate, resentment, anger, etc.).  Over time I have come to believe this because in my own journey love is the only thing that helps those difficult emotions dissipate. Love helps us connect and forgive and move forward. From a young age I said “love is what makes the world go around…” and I got “love” tattooed on my wrist. I had no idea the significance, and this is a good example of things happening to me when I was young that suggested I was already on the path. I had been a very in tune child that fell asleep. Beaten into ignorance by a human life and now trying to break free back into higher consciousness. However, I realize now it’s not just love for others. Possibly even more important is love for yourself. 

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Lonerwolf – How to Channel Your Soul Through Automatic Writing

If you’re interested in writing, journaling and/or you’re on the spiritual path, you might enjoy this great article.

I think this automatic writing thing happened to me the other day during yoga teacher training.  It’s hard to explain what happened, but all of a sudden it’s as if my stream of consciousness ceased and another one started.  I tried to catch myself but I wasn’t able to organize my thoughts and I was writing without consciously doing it – it became automatic.  After a few sentences, it was as if I came back to my consciousness and typical type of thinking, and I completed my journal entry.

During that time I knew something had just happened, but I hadn’t thought to go back and read it until reading the above article.  When I went back and read what I wrote, you can clearly see a disconnect in the type of writing between one section of the journaling exercise and another.  Some of the words that I wrote aren’t typically something I would write either.  Very interesting…

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. – Anais Nin

For the first time in a while, I feel powerful.  I have been feeling powerless and helpless to everyone and everything.  Powerless to my emotions that were taking over and to the negative thoughts that seeped in like a disease.

I took responsibility for my part in the negativity and dysfunction that has been ever-present over the last few months, and within that responsibility comes personal power and freedom.  

It’s interesting, though, because when I am in the midst of feeling out of control of my life, taking responsibility does not seem like the solution.  The solution seems like I need to change everything and everyone to be okay, but how impossible is that?!

Last night I read a quick eBook I purchased about dealing with difficult emotions.  Recently it seems like negativity, anger, and resentment have taken over.  How do I move through these emotions and experience them without letting them completely ruin my life?  And blame everyone else in the process? Once again a common theme came up: “take responsibility.”  And I instantly wanted to stop reading.  I didn’t want to hear it.

Fact is, I had to admit to myself I had found a nice warm, safe, familiar place to indulge in my angry, resentful, negative shadow for the last few months.  When that happens, it’s not like I’m enjoying myself.  It feels like life is death, and I’m just sliding back from all the progress I’ve made.  It’s like I’m viewing my life from above and seeing it all slip away. But that right there is also the deep bottom of victimhood.  And once you realize that is where you’re at, you feel even worse about yourself.  Self-judgement upon more self-judgement.

And when I’m in that dark place the last thing I want to hear for advice is “stop acting like a victim and take responsibility.” Then were do my feelings get validated and my needs get met? But clarity came to me this morning, and my personal power has returned.  I feel like I can learn from the last few months of being in that old negative place and grow from it. Each time this cycle happens, I become more and more clear about my patterns.

I used to see these descents as failures in my own life and in my relationship but somehow this morning I woke up with renewed faith, hope, clarity, understanding and patience that I am on the right path still.

It’s amazing because there is no way I could have written this just even last night.  I will have to reflect on what helped me accept and view things with this perspective to get me to a more positive place after months of fighting.  Was it simply surrender?  Was it simply me stopping the fight?

I often have said “the day I saved myself was the day I surrendered.”  Growing and expanding upward from the dirt and mud and dark after an internal war that has spread to my relationships.  The fighting, angry, righteous, entitled person is only an attempted protection for the kind, loving person that just wants to be understood and loved.  But when that kind, loving true self gets lost in the internal war and outward fight, I need to re-surrender my soul.

I learn this stuff, I live it, and it works.  And somewhere along the lines I lose it, fight against it, mistrust it, and end up in the same old negative space.  I’m still not quite sure what brings me back but each time it gets a little easier.

 

 

Exciting Things Happening – Personal Update

For the last two years I have been a group counselor for those with severe mental illness. The clients I’ve worked with are diagnosed with Schizophrenia, Bipolar, Borderline Personality Disorder, and others.  Some days, this job has drained me physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and other days it has lifted my spirits.  Witnessing the clients I’ve worked with growing, learning, and being there for their peers has been a humbling experience.  I have learned about myself through this job by getting to know them. It was a difficult decision to decide to leave, but a new job opportunity came up and I decided to go for it.  I will still be with the same agency but working as an Admissions Coordinator for another program.  I’m looking forward to the new challenge, but as my three weeks winds down, my heart becomes heavier thinking about not working with these clients anymore.  I would have to say this job as a group counselor has been one of my life’s transformative experiences, and I’m forever grateful.

Yoga teacher training is going well.  I am a month or so in.  Tonight I present a little bit on the knee joint which is kind of fun.  Brought me back to massage school days! At times I find myself exhausted with the training schedule (long, full weekends) and I nervous myself with teaching.  I basically wanted to take this for myself and possibly individual/small group teaching.

Andrew and I had a great Valentine’s Day.  It really annoys me when people diss on Valentine’s Day. “It’s too commercialized and pressured and it’s stupid to only love your significant other on one day.” Well, that to me sounds like a bitter person lol.  I think it’s important to celebrate and do romantic things with your partner on a regular basis, but what is the harm in taking one extra day to really make them feel special? You don’t HAVE to buy chocolates and flowers and cards and have an expensive dinner.  But taking the time to have an extra special night I always think is worth it!

 

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Tie dye roses, rose wine, and a wonderful home cooked meal from my Sweetie 🙂 ❤

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First fruit tart I’ve ever made, and it came out pretty damn good! Crust made with almond flour and butter, and filling made with cream cheese and coconut sugar.  All organic berries on top.  It was delicious!

 

 

Traditional Shamanic Drum Journey – Tim Norton

Ever since the Shaman yoga class the other weekend, I can’t stop listening to Shaman music.  Pandora has a great channel, “Shamanic Journey,” but I also have found some really great artists on YouTube.  I came across this one today and had to share.  From the Shaman perspective, we have our every-day, ordinary awareness that comes with daily behaviors, patterns of belief, and social norms.  And then we have another type of awareness we can dive into which can be done by listening to repetitive Shamanic drumming.  When we enter this state of awareness (soul flight) we can see life’s problems from a detached view – which always helps to bring clarity.  Shamanic journeying helps us to connect to our inner spiritual light, and we can do that by listening to music like this (you can see how this is similar to meditation – quieting oneself and journeying deeper into self).

If you’re interested in learning more about journeying, check out this website.

For Tim Norton’s clip, see below.  You don’t want to miss it!

Congressman To File Bill Requiring A Psychiatrist At The White House – HuffPost

For a long time now I have wholeheartedly believed that Donald Trump is a narcissist.  He could legitimately be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder in my eyes.  His supporters believe his rapid-fire approach since he was inaugurated is “making progress like your ‘Hero Obama’ never did,” but in much of the world’s eyes, he just looks unstable.  Erratic.  Scary. Dangerous.  To be honest, the way he handles himself and how he has handled this country since his inauguration is disturbing. His behavior is not what the President should be doing. He is working so hard to keep people out of the United States he says will hurt us – I think the one “leading” this country will hurt us. Hurt more people, more Americans, and at a way faster rate.  He is the one we need to be afraid of.

Now, do not get me wrong here – I am not saying people with mental illness should be feared.  That is not what I’m saying at all.  I work in the field and know that people with mental illness are some of the most caring, sweet people out there.  They do more work on themselves to be happy than most people do.  BUT someone like Trump who I personally think has narcissistic tendencies should not be our President. Narcissistic behaviors by definition are not fair and serve the larger population – it serves one person.  There should have been measures in place before now to make sure that whoever has this much power and access to nuclear war codes is 100% physically and mentally healthy and stable.

The President is supposed to be our leader.  He or she is supposed to protect us, be level-headed, be diplomatic, and be engaging with other countries in a helpful way.  He is not doing that.  As said in the article I am linking below, “His disconnection from the truth is incredibly disturbing.  When you add on top of that his stifling of dissent, his attacks on the free press and his attacks on the legitimacy of judiciary, that then takes us down the road toward authoritarianism. That’s why I’ve concluded he is a danger to the republic.”

There has been such resistance towards his decisions in the last few weeks – and I am glad. Resistance from all different types of people from all over the world, including other leaders.   Let the revolt continue.

Click here for Huffington Post article.