“Ego – the imaginary identity of an overstimulated nervous system. The spiritual cocoon one lives in until their consciousness is ready to wake up. One thinks they are who they are not realizing they’ve lived their whole life in a cocoon. And then as you wake up you look back and you go, ‘Oh my God look at the crazy stuff I did. I’m so sorry. I did not know I was in a cocoon.’ So what are the two aspects of ego because the way it is designed is that these two aspects of ego erode to make room for the emerging consciousness, but in order for them to erode they often clash together and they both dissolve one another. The two aspects of ego that are destined to collide and dissolve each other so consciousness can emerge, one is the passive aspect and one the aggressive aspect.” – Matt Kahn.
This past Friday, Saturday, and Sunday were the first full days of my yoga teacher training, and the first time I have felt inner peace in months.
My pattern of living in the past has been one of struggle and anger and resentment and frustration and anxiety and loss and grief and confusion. This is me in my unconscious state. I am slowly waking up to a more mindful, conscious self, but this takes time and an ever-increasing awareness. Sometimes during this process, I hit a wall. Something that is taught from this spiritual, higher consciousness space makes no sense to me. And sometimes applying what I’ve learned is difficult to apply to everyday life or specific, difficult situations that come up. During these times I question what I am learning. I revert back to my lower vibrational patterns of feeling stuck, frustrated, and asking myself “what is the point?!” It is not that you learn and walk the path of transformation, and you are constantly at peace with no bad things happening to you. It is that you see things from a much deeper perspective that helps you to see the beauty in life, the learning opportunities you are presented with, and to not become so emotionally charged. Sometimes when I struggle myself with these concepts, I get in a dark place that feels like home. An abusive home that I do not want any part of but it can overtake my senses. For the last few months, that is the home I resided in and it was harder to see the purpose of my life. It’s like a darkness invades my mind, thoughts, emotions, and actions and at any time I try to change my perspective, my mind comes up with a million reasons why the positive path is not attainable. During the last few months, I have continued to take care of myself in attempts to raise my vibration to return to a more positive, happy, peaceful, and loving version of myself but I was struggling. The first weekend of yoga teacher training brought me out of that, and I can now see again the purpose of my life and the deep emotional and spiritual work that I am going through.
Connecting to my true self (we all have this inside ourselves) is what helped me the most. Just trusting, surrendering and knowing that things are where they are meant to be and will go where they need to be. It may not always be what we want (which is where I start to revert back to my lower vibrational self and patterns) but things do happen for a reason. What I can do in these times is connect to my true self, live from my divine light as much as possible, keep immersing myself in this lifestyle, and be open to what presents itself in my life. It isn’t always easy to connect to that perspective if I am disappointed in something but as I keep bringing forth my true, divine self, the quicker it will happen.
Where I see myself really making progress, and what I need to remember, is that when I do fall into the lower vibrational space I am not there as long as I used to be. That is where I lived day in and day out, but now I see myself staying there less and less. The tools that I’ve learned in this awakening journey have helped me not stay there as long, and in some cases, not get in so deep. I’m assuming if I keep developing my awareness and changing my perspectives over time I will be able to even less and less find myself in a lower vibration. In the meantime I will try to accept my personal journey, not force it in any aspect, and acknowledge the growth that has happened.
Connecting the points I’ve made just now to the quote at the top of this blog post, you’ll see that if you follow the quote’s logic, my ego is clashing against itself to allow higher consciousness to come through. Of course, the death of an ego, the eroding and collision of ego, cannot be an easy time. It is going to be a time of questioning and frustration and confusion and it is going to be hard. Eventually, I will be able to allow higher consciousness to truly change me for good. I just need to keep moving forward.
Our first yoga teacher training day was Friday, January 21st, which was also the day America’s new President was inaugurated. As some of you may know, I am not a personal fan of the new President (SEE HERE) so I had recently attempted to ignore all information about him and his transition into the White House. I needed to unplug from that process for a little while. To say I was elated and blessed to be surrounded by like-minded people practicing yoga and meditating all day on this unfortunate day for America is an understatement. I was SO blessed to move through such a difficult time with such grace, love, and compassion all around me. It was no coincidence that such positive energy was being created in that yoga studio to send out into the World right now when the need is so great.
The next day of our training there was a rally right across the street from the studio at the Capital building. I had never been to a protest/rally before and wanted to go to the Women’s Marches in Washington, D.C. but could not because of yoga teacher training. However, the city I live in developed their own, and boy was that incredible energy radiating from that place! During lunch, we went over and there were signs and people talking and people speaking and people all coming together for one cause – equality, love, kindness, and progression.
During those two days, my heart felt at home with the people in my class, and the people rallying. I thought to myself “Yes, these are the people of my tribe. This is where I belong.” I very rarely say that to myself but I felt it deeply, and it brought me to tears. We must not stand by idly and watch hate push through our lives.
There is a wonderful YouTube video by Matt Kahn, describing how we can develop our individual higher consciousness to help impact the collective consciousness, mostly through tapping into our divine feminine. You can watch it HERE. At one part he talks about how the Obama administration represented hope, but people did not follow through on their part of bringing hope back into the World. Instead of developing hope within ourselves, coming together and doing our part, we put hope in external things thinking it will solve all our problems. And when it doesn’t happen that way, people get angry, upset, and feel betrayed. When all along, we probably should have put the hope within ourselves in the first place. Personal examples of this would be if someone thinks “If I find the right relationship, I’ll feel better about myself.” But we know this is not the solution to feeling better about yourself – the solution to feeling better about yourself is to turn inward. People become apathetic and disengaged from their own process, and you see this in the collective consciousness, especially in politics.
So if the Obama administration represented hope, what does Clinton and our now new President represent? Matt shared that Clinton represents “false hope” and if she were to win we would drag out this long process of change as more and more people became apathetic, frustrated, and angry. And then Matt said that our now new President represents “hate.” And at first, I was thinking, “Yes, so why would we ever want hate representing this country?! I’d rather have the “false hope” lady in there…” but then Matt when on to explain that vibrationally with this character embodying hate, it can bring a more progressive awakening instead of the slow, dragging things out, the apathetic path we would have stayed on with Clinton. This is the only positive perspective I could ever possibly have concerning our new President, and I suppose deep down I am excited to have him as a catalyst for change. This means we are on a faster timeline to change and to higher collective consciousness. So I suppose, thank you to our new bafoon of a President for starting that process.
I am blessed to say that I am part of the love revolution.
Now, for some pictures!