Hate Filled Heart

Do you ever feel like you are made of glass and at any moment you could break into a million pieces and never be okay again? I’m in a constant cycle, an ebb and flow… of trying to balance out my life and not let my emotions overtake me. I’ve learned that emotions are fleeting things and the longer you hold onto that emotion, the more ingrained it becomes in you. And then it becomes a mood. And then it becomes a personality trait. So this can happen with anger and sadness, and any other emotion we find undesirable. I know for a fact, now that I have learned more about myself, that I have lived a large part of my life with anger in my heart. It creeps over me and invades everything like a plague. It takes over each and every cell in my body, one by one. And then spreads to my thoughts. My actions. My interactions with others. Interactions with myself. And before I know it, I’m right back where I was for a very long time. Snappy towards other people, finding no comfort in others, finding no comfort within myself, and keeping everyone at a distance because I’m judging everything they are doing, or not doing. Someone simply taking too long to do something or acting in a certain way will irritate me to the point where I feel I can’t cope and I need to isolate myself. I don’t want to be angry and judgmental and unhappy so I feel bad and want to distance myself as much as possible. I indulge myself with the idea that I am separate from others and perpetuate this with negative thoughts and actions, almost like a self-sabotaging adventure. Sometimes I can catch it and nip in the bud, and other times it seeps in slower and more stealthily, and before I know it, I’m in deep. Maybe this is where I am recently because of the season change. The time change. The impending winter. This ridiculous election. This transitional phase I’m going through. This fear that is starting to set in about the transitional phase and what I am capable of. Me living within my full divine power. I have to admit social media does not help. And I know this, and this is why I got rid of it before. And got rid of it again. Taking in all that information on a regular basis and being bombarded with everyone’s ideas and opinions and successes and failures and the list goes on… can be overwhelming. It doesn’t HAVE to be, yet somehow it starts to be. Whatever the reason for this recent irritability, anger, and annoyance with others, it needs to be taken care of. I used to let this go on for a lot longer than a week… how did I live? Now my threshold for misery, anger, and the illusion of separateness is low so I’m more quick to find a remedy. A beautiful thought came to mind as I started writing this…. in connection with feeling like glass and that I could break apart at any time, I know that this is the foundation for rebuilding yourself, but every time it is scary. I know sometimes we need to break ourselves down to build ourselves back up even stronger and in a higher consciousness. I know that we sometimes need to break into a million pieces to be put back together in something even more beautiful. But for some reason when I see through this intense fearful and angry lens, the idea of putting myself back together scares me even more. It feels impossible. Everything feels heavy and chaotic, and too much. Everything feels miscommunicated and misconstrued and out of control. I start to ruminate that people find me annoying, that they don’t want to hear all this spiritual shit, that they don’t like me, that they won’t like me, that people don’t see a true vision of who I am. And then I give up, shut down, distance myself or react outwardly because I feel the vision people have of me is distorted. And this upsets me because I want to be understood. Everyone wants to be understood. And then I want to just fix everything and everyone to restore order and understanding. And when I obviously cannot control life and other people and the way they interpret me, I become even more isolated and frustrated. Maybe this comes from being an adult who grew up with substance abuse in the family (check out characteristics of adult children of alcoholics). This side of me that becomes fearful if things are not stable, and feels relentlessly judged must be part of my inner child that needs to be healed. And will heal. Anyways, I needed to get all that out there and I suppose I will end on this:

Nothing needs to be fixed. 

I am exactly where I need to be.


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